November 9th, 2014
|02:34 pm - Getting away from pressure and should|
There are two things I've learned recently, and which I'm going to try to remember.
First, I try too hard to care. Too hard to understand. I strain to think, sometimes forcing myself to go over ideas. Regular conversation can become like a high-pressure test situation.
Second, I say "should" way too much. There are things I think I should do or know. I go after those "shoulds" as much, or if not more, than the things that actually make me feel happy.
I want to stop caring, stop trying, allow myself to simply like what I like, and learn what I learn, to not feel stupid or worry that people will abandon me for not having clever answers. Plus, I've been driving myself crazy lately thinking about the future - should I go to school again, what should I study, etc. In the meantime every time I think about those long-term ideas - like studying sociology, history, social work, communications or teaching - I'm not basing my thoughts on what I already know about and care about in these areas. I'm just saying the names, like that should be meaningful. I jump around between these "options", while missing the present moment - the moment where I discover what I simply LIKE, now.
I want to pursue what I'm already attracted to. Not what I think I should learn, what I think I should know, who I think I should be. And that can only be discovered in the moment.
My life feels incomplete -- because I have a temporary part-time job at the Museum, because I don't have a higher degree, don't have a "field". All the projects seem inadequate even though they would fill me with pleasure if I just slowed down to appreciate even a few of them -- not by effort, but just by allowing myself to get into what I'm already into. What I'm into may not match with WHO I think I am supposed to be, but it's time to let that go.
I've been liking the Models course on Coursera, even though I have no idea if I have an application for the knowledge. Today I did some matrix math to work out the equilibrium states of Markov processes. It kinds of reminded me of the more interesting parts of computer science.
I watched two episodes of Orange Is The New Black in the past couple days. I reminded myself that I didn't have to think so hard to "get it". It made me feel.
I felt happy after an impromptu speech at Toastmasters the other day.
A few days ago I sat in a chair and listened to an episode of CBC's web series "Tapestry", about mindfulness, and after about 40 minutes of that, I felt calmer.
Yesterday we were listening to Our Lady Peace because I didn't want to think. In the old days, I would have said Our Lady Peace wasn't "real" music, or that I didn't "get it".
It's time to appreciate what makes me smile, what actually makes me feel happy. And to not think/worry so hard about it. And realize that I am not the sum of my interests, and who cares if I don't understand anything anyone says. Perhaps "I", as a person, don't really exist. Perhaps identity is an illusion that would be better forgotten.
Current Mood: stressed