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Life these days - Sara

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December 25th, 2014


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11:32 pm - Life these days
I don't feel like writing creatively anymore. I don't think it's because there's anything wrong with me, words just aren't what I need right now. Some words make me feel better. Some words don't. But I just don't find coming up with them very appealing. I prefer music, for touching my feelings. I tried for a very long time to be a "writer" because that's what people said I was good at, but having your friends tell you you're good at something isn't a strong enough reason to do it. Writing was a subtle form of torture. Maybe one day the relationship I have with words will become healthier again, but right now it feels like too much thinking -- to many ideas, too head-focused. I want to be more heart focused.

I'm still working at the museum part-time, in the temporary pirates exhibition. I'm also taking French classes in St. Boniface. And on Wednesdays, I have Toastmasters, which I'm finding uplifting. It's a very jolly group, and many of the members are older men, so they have wisdom to share and are comfortable in their skin. I'm still volunteering with CKUW, putting together stories for their morning news show occasionally, mostly interviews. Starting in January, I'm also probably going to be volunteering to help out in an English as an Additional Language (EAL) Conversation Circle for older adults.

Last summer, my brother got married, and a few months before that his fiancee had a baby. So I have a 9-month old niece named Rose. She's very cute. She babbles now, and crawls. She looks a little like my dad, around the eyes.

This year, I lit Chanukah candles every night. The first night I spent with my mom and brother, at my mom's place. Chanukah just finished on Tuesday. Today I spent Christmas Day with my mom and Mark. We went to The Imitation Game, the movie about Alan Turing cracking the German Enigma machine code, allowing the Allies to win World War II. It was a wonderful movie. We all enjoyed it very much. I cried, which feels awesome during movies. The movie was exciting but also sad, as Turing was persecuted for being who he was, despite being a war hero that no one knew about because his work was so classified. Afterwards, we picked up Chinese food, went back to my mom's and played Mah Jong. We played with the old set my Baba once owned, that now belongs to my mom.

I'm more okay with being ordinary right now. I don't have to be a shining light of literary talent to be a fulfilled human being. Also down to 225 mg Seroquel (never did stay on Ziprasidone, as it made me very restless), from a highest dose of 400 mg. Still have some panic attacks at night, as my bedroom and the bright lights remind me of the seclusion room and other aspects of the hospital, but overall I'm sleeping better and feeling much more relaxed during the day. Therapy has made some deep shifts in me, and I'm finding greater strength and hope within. Within the past couple weeks I've realized that being hopeful, optimistic and encouraging to myself isn't some kind of self-delusion, that it's actually a source of healing. I think I spent many years being "negative" without realizing what I was doing. Of course it didn't help that there was so much trauma not being addressed. There's a difference between ignoring your wounds and putting the salve of self-love on them. Healing comes from deep reassurance and connection, that then lead to tremendous feelings of relief, not disconnecting and pretending to be "positive". Healing comes with tears and sometimes laughter.

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